Getting Rid Of Matthew

By Fallon, Jane

What to do if Matthew, your secret lover of the past four years, finally decides to leave his wife Sophie and their two daughters and move into your flat, just when you're thinking that you might not want him anymore . . .PLAN A Stop shaving your armpits. And your bikini lineTell him you have a moustache that you wax every six weeks Stop having sex with him Pick holes in the way he dressesDon't brush your teeth. Or your hair. Or pluck out the stray hag-whisker that grows out of your chinBuy incontinence pads and leave them lying aroundPLAN B Accidentally on purpose bump into his wife Sophie Give yourself a fake name and identity Befriend Sophie Actually begin to really like Sophie Snog Matthew's son (who's the same age as you by the way. You're not a paedophile) Buy a cat and give it a fake name and identity Befriend Matthew's children. Unsuccessfully Watch your whole plan go absolutely horribly wrongGetting Rid of Matthew isn't as easy as it seems, but along the way Helen will forge an unlikely friendship, find real love and realize that nothing ever goes exactly to plan . . .

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GETTING RID OF MATTHEW

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