Excerpt
Chapter 1
Cool Games That Guys Came Up With
Bob’s Game Involving Manipulation of a Suspended Object by Bodily Movements of Cooperating Players
PATENTED 1961
Guys have long-standing relationships with their plumbing tools, particularly the plunger. And with good reason. Over and over and over again they have been saved from embarrassment and humiliation by the unclogging capabilities of their deformable rubber buddies, and we’re just talking about last Thanksgiving.
Now guys can take that relationship a step further, from business to pleasure, with Bob’s Game Involving Manipulation of a Suspended Object by Bodily Movements of Cooperating Players. Never before have “bodily movements” and plungers been brought together in such a fun and entertaining manner. It’s the reason plumbers are no longer allowed to work in pairs.
Here’s how it works: Two teammates support between their bodies a rod that holds a pendulum (ball and string) and, according to Bob, “By properly increasing the amplitude, the tempo and/or quirk of body movement together, cause the pendant member to revolve about the support.” This, in turn, “provides amusement galore.” But don’t take Bob’s word for it. Check out the guy in the second illustration—he clearly has more amusement galore than he knows what to do with.
So what are you waiting for? Take the plunge today. Head to your local sporting goods store and ask for the Game Involving Manipulation of a Suspended Object by Bodily Movements of Cooperating Players by name.
Greg’s Brain-Wave Game
PATENTED 1993
Greg’s Brain-Wave Game offers guys the opportunity to square off in the mental arena, to unleash their cerebral capabilities and go toe- to-toe with a worthy adversary in a battle of pure brain-wave intensity. If ever there was a competition destined to end in a scoreless tie, this is it.
Greg describes his brainchild as “a game having the circuitry for the conversion of a player’s brain wave intensity to direct the movement of a rotating circular visual display.” Each guy attaches electrodes to an area likely to produce the most brain-wave activity, such as someone else’s head. The game measures this brain-wave activity and converts it to a corresponding amount of electric current, which, in turn, causes the disk to rotate—clockwise for one player and counterclockwise for the other. The game records the rotations, and the first player to reach a predetermined number is the winner.
Now this all sounds very exciting, but, to be honest, you’re likely to see more scoring at a nursing home spring social. Case in point: The illustration shows the disk spinning at actual speed. Not that the guys will mind. They’ll be far too busy engaging in their typical trash talk to notice:
“You call that a brain wave?”
“Hey, I’ve seen more disk movement in a spinal column.”
“Is that right? Well, I haven’t even used my prefrontal cortex yet.”
“That’s funny, because I used your mother’s prefrontal cortex last night.”
“All right, that’s enough, pal! You leave my mother out of this or . . . Hey, you know what? I don’t think this thing is even plugged in.”
Henry’s Hat Game
PATENTED 1973
When we first stumbled across Henry’s Hat Game, we smacked our forehead and wondered aloud why we hadn’t thought of it ourselves. Then the reason dawned on us: We’re in possession of more than seven active brain cells.
The top illustration shows the solo version of the game, which is the version Henry likely had the most experience playing. The equipment consists of a hat, which has a reservoir at the top with a pin mounted to its edge and a turned-up brim riddled with holes, and an “apron,” which is worn over the shoulders and has an inflatable trough running around the bottom. We would advise any potential players to wear the hat exactly as shown in the illustration to avoid being recognized.
To play the game, the hat reservoir is filled with water and the player attempts to pop a balloon with the hat-mounted pin (bet you didn’t see that coming!) without spilling water from the reservoir into the brim, where it will subsequently flow through the drain holes, down the apron, and into the lower trough. No, we don’t get it, either.
Henry adds that “a candle or a lighted cigarette can be substituted for the pin on the hat.” Assuming the costume is made of highly flammable material, we like this setup much better, particularly if gasoline is also substituted for the water.
An alternate embodiment of Henry’s game is shown in the bottom illustration, where a “skirt” is fastened around the waists of two individuals who, Henry says, “may be a man and a woman to add more interest to the case.” A ball is placed in the trough along with—you guessed it—water, and competing couples take turns trying to make the ball go around the trough by “moving their hips like a hula dancer.” The winners? All those high school classmates who voted Henry least likely to succeed.
Ralph’s Exercise and Game Apparatus
PATENTED 1981
The confidence in his athletic supremacy over the fairer sex is a huge part of what makes it possible for a guy to drag himself out of bed in the morning. That guy is convinced that no matter how crappy his workday is going to be, no matter how badly his beloved hoops team will be blown out that evening, no matter how few beers there are left in the fridge, he still has that whole “athletic superiority over his gal” thing to hang his hat on. Of course, his being convinced of it doesn’t necessarily make it so, as we suspect Ralph was unfortunate enough to discover.
When we look at Ralph’s Exercise and Game Apparatus, we see the last- ditch efforts of a guy desperately in search of a sport in which he can finally defeat his girl. What probably happened was that Ralph, tired of getting his brains beat in during any and every legitimate competition imaginable, finally decided to create his own game in which he could successfully whup his female partner. He most likely started out with just the minibasketball hoops and, upon being pummeled severely and repeatedly, eventually added the beach ball, which is weighted on one side and must be spun around inside the large ring via the coordinated rhythmic hip rotation of the two players. Having failed yet again to turn the tide in his favor, Ralph finally would have added the cup to the top of his apparatus, a cup that he explains is to be decorated so that the “colors and patterns blend to form optical illusions” as it spins.
Ralph points out that the score can be kept in his new game “and thereby use of this apparatus can have a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser,’ ” otherwise known as ‘anyone other than Ralph’ and ‘Ralph,’ respectively.
The illustration depicts what we assume is Ralph himself eagerly anticipating a shot attempt by his female counterpart, who has, by this point in time, undoubtedly begun to question her choice of male companionship. The game obviously hasn’t started yet, as Ralph’s expression is still one of eager anticipation. “Oh yeah, baby!” he’s no doubt thinking. “The addition of that spinning cup was a stroke of genius and is definitely going to swing things in my favor!” Seconds later, of course, she’ll swish her first attempt while asking, “You mean like this?” . . . and Ralph will slit his throat.
2
Neat Ways for Guys to Shoot Each Other
Albert’s Helmet-Mounted Pistol
PATENTED 1953
Guys and guns go together like, well, guys and any device that offers the possibility of serious injury. They absolutely love them. And a first-rate firearm can give a guy a sense of power and respect that a beer belly alone cannot provide. Unfortunately, holding the gun typically requires the use of at least one hand, and that makes it virtually impossible for the guy to:
•Simultaneously hold a beer and a bratwurst
•Reenact, for the benefit of his coworkers, the exact swing he used to birdie the 17th with a pitching wedge from the rough over the weekend
•Scratch more than one private bodily area at the same time
Some of the top guy minds worldwide have been hard at work seeking a solution to this dilemma ever since the invention of bratwurst, but it wasn’t until Albert and his Helmet-Mounted Pistol that anything practical came from it.
Once this powerful weapon has been securely strapped to the noggin, a quick blow into the firing tube is all it takes to activate the trigger mechanism and send a large-caliber bullet rocketing in a generally frontward direction. What’s more, the clever design of the rear support takes the tremendous force generated by the exploding projectile and efficiently channels it directly into the upper spinal column, where it is violently dissipated throughout the entire central nervous system.
We suppose Albert could have streamlined the gun’s design to make it more conducive to helmet mounting, but where, we ask, would be the intimidation factor in that? No, the Helmet-Mounted Pistol is all about attitude, an attitude that says, “Do you really want to screw with a guy who has the neck strength to support this enormous firearm on his head?”
Sergio’s Fountain Pen and Attachment
PATENTED 1926
Well of course the “attachment” is a firearm . . . haven’t you been paying any attention at all? What on earth did you think a guy would attach to a fountain pen, a fragrant soap dispenser? The fact of the matter is the hollow barrel of a fountain pen is too small to contain a meaningful amount of beer, so a bullet it is (see item 24).
Sergio’s pen is actually a very persuasive business tool and the writing instrument of choice for “businessmen” across the globe, particularly that portion of the globe that corresponds directly to Chicago.
“So, Leo, you tellin’ me you don’t wanna do business? The terms of my offer ain’t acceptable to you? Well, let’s just say it would behoove you immensely to sign off on this here deal. Let me just grab my fountain pen and attachment, if you catch my drift. . . .”
French and Fancher’s Self-Defense Plow
PATENTED 1862
Farming is good, hard, honest work. Trouble is, the farmer, while working his tail off in the field, is extremely susceptible to being shot by another guy. And, to be totally honest, he would probably deserve it. An unarmed guy standing out in the middle of a field is basically asking to be shot. He may as well wear a sign that reads i am unarmed. should anyone decide to shoot me i would totally understand. It’s an unwritten guy rule.
The problem is, if enough farmers are shot while working in their fields, there won’t be enough crop production to feed our nation, even after taking into account the passing of Marlon Brando. Fortunately, this predicament was addressed more than a century ago with French and Fancher’s Self-Defense Plow, a combination horse- drawn plow and cannon.
At this point we should mention that we have briefly sidestepped our policy of using only the inventors’ first names in describing the inventions. In this case, the guys provided only their initials (and who could blame them), so we decided to go with their surnames. Besides, French and Fancher has a great ring to it, as in the case of a guy who’s not real happy with his brand-new fancher (“Damn it! This frenchin’ fancher is a real piece of crap!”).
Of course, this leads to a rather obvious question: If they only used their initials, how do we know that French and Fancher were guys? Well, rest assured that we didn’t simply make broad assumptions here. Extensive research was conducted in the form of taking a good look at the illustration, which clearly depicts a plow with a cannon built into it. Research complete.
Anyway, the Self-Defense Plow represented a huge leap forward in the area of cornfield defense as, prior to French and Fancher, the only way a guy could use his plow as a weapon was to pick the darn thing up and throw it. Displaying a bit of cockiness in regard to their invention, French (or, perhaps, Fancher) was quick to point out that “as a means of defense in repelling surprises and skirmishing attacks on those engaged in a peaceful avocation it is unrivaled,” which was true, at least until the subsequent invention of the semiautomatic assault hoe.
The plow’s effectiveness was undeniable. When confronted with an enemy, the farmer would use his horse to rotate the plow in the general direction of the trespasser, load the ammunition, and fire the weapon, and the ensuing explosion of horse parts was usually enough to intimidate the intruder into retreating.
